Monday, October 22, 2007

Up above me

I have atleast one example every week about how non hierarchical Finland is. It can range from a person living in the same building as someone else who is so low in the food chain that won’t even show up in his manpower reports. Or a CEO of an international company opening the door for a scatter brained Indian girl. A manager sending her CV (!) in the first introduction she sends to a new hire who is more than a decade junior to this manager. I am amazed everyday. Why is it so different? Why does it feel so liberating and yet so scary at the same time? The respect for the individual gives everyone a chance to claim their own breathing space. It puts responsibility where there is power, and makes questioning a challenge not an insult. It encourages development and gives everyone a chance to think, and speak. It’s the poster boy so to speak, of the Western advancement and development, and the sophistication of the society.

Let’s take a couple of steps back. Why is India ‘hierarchical’? Respect for elders, care for parents, respect for teachers & authority figures is drummed down our heads right from when we are very young. It’s the theme of so many fables and epics and songs and proverbs. The ideal state, or Ramrajya, is where a son will willingly spend 14 years in exile to fulfill a promise his father made to his step mother. Or when Kabir says,
Guru Gobind dou khade, kaake laagu paay, (God & my teacher both stand before me, who should I first pay my respects to)
balihari Guru aapne, Jo Gobind diyo bataye (I fall at the feet of my teacher, who taught me what God means)
It seeps right into the culture, straight down to our hearts. It’s the reason teaching is a noble profession, why old age is more associated with wisdom than with loneliness. It’s why grandparents are as much a part of a child’s mindspace as parents. Why joint families were successful, why no Indian wedding has less than 100 of the couple’s ‘close’ relatives. It’s what makes us who we are, am I really simple minded enough to call it ‘hierarchical’ with disdain and add it to my list of things India does wrong?

And to put in in a corporate context (over simplification again, we don’t turn into different people at work, we are just all at different degrees of pretense) it’s the reason we Indians take leaps of faith, stick with a company, relocate to a new place (which we are apprehensive about but then grow to love), pour in our soul into a job, love our leaders and work for them. It’s passion and faith, if put into the right people, it can do so much more than a rational commitment to a faceless corporate. How can anyone think of it as a pure negative?

So my usual question, which side is correct? And my usual answer, they both are. Depends on the context.

But then what should I be? Ofcourse I can’t (or want to) change my DNA. I respect my parents,I will make changes/adjustments in my life to accommodate them like they’ve done for me all my life. I will accept some people as my teachers & role models, who have put in the time, effort and energy to do the right thing and to do it well. I will look for my leaders to guide me, take care of me, demand from me and be true to me and the entity we work for.

But I won’t think someone is superior because they’ve been around longer. I won’t pander to an ego. I won’t have an ego someone else has to pander to. I will be honest in my feedback, and reasonable in my expectations. I won’t give away my time without understanding where it will be used, and won’t ask for anyone to do something they don’t believe in. I will do my best, and owe loyalty to those who are doing their best for more than just themselves. I will think long and hard, have a mental model which has thought behind it, not just habit. I will learn more and internalize what is harmonious. And most importantly, I will understand what drives other people and respect those drivers.

I will keep the windows of my mind open, but I won’t get blown away by the winds.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Let's make things better

I have heard somewhere, ‘the human mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled’. So true. Our mind is not limited in what it can learn. There is a whole wide world to explore, things to pick up, things to ponder about and as important if not more, things to be able to lose, fashionably known as unlearning.

In the series about my experiences in this new country, I want to share with you a very important attitude difference that I have not ever read in a culture studies book. The attitude that stems from security, that allows you to divorce yourself from what you do and be able to look at your own work objectively.

When I was in India, I had heard that people in Finland work on a single project for months on end. Sometimes it can even be a few years. My reality at that time told me, they will be passionate about that project, will know everything there is to know about it, but will be super protective about it too. I told myself, never ever mention to a Finn that your project is useless/ outdated/ waste or anything even a fraction as insulting as these words. Cmon, this was what he is doing for so long, calling it worthless will be like calling him worthless!

Right? Yes, they are passionate and know everything there is to know. They understand links, they know history, they get the technical, they’ve analysed everything in and around the project. They do a thorough job, no doubt about that. But they are not super protective about it. They are the first to admit when the project lacks in something (I wonder if that also comes by knowing it well) or if they have made a mistake or even if the project is irrelevant or outdated. They know that they are not the project, if it does well, great. But if it doesn’t, then they have failed, they are not failures.

It’s not the same back home. Self image is so linked to the work you do, that if someone criticizes the work, they are insulting you personally. You are your work. It has probably the biggest part to play in who you think you are, and what others think of you. Ofcourse you have to protect it. At the cost of being defensive about your work. At the risk of being trapped inside an ivory tower. Jeopardising the work or the company. Putting your learning on hold. Guard it with your life, lest someone should correct you.

I don’t want to be listing what all India does wrong. I just want to try to learn the best things about this new culture. I want to be secure and objective like these people (whoever they are, Westerners, Finns or my company people). I want to be learning each day. I don’t want to spin my own web and get stuck in it. I don’t want to be the personification of the ‘not invented here’ syndrome. I want to take risks, and I want to be able to fail well. Gracefully accept my ‘developmental areas’ and not euphemise them. It’s for no one else’s benefit, but for my own.

So here’s to one new realization and one new unlearning. I don’t have to carry around the legacy of defensiveness. I can dump it somewhere, and breath in the fresh, cold, crisp air of being a secure worker, an open person and a constant learner.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Intensity, anyone?

There is someone with whom I have had few, but very involving conversations. One of the first few times I spoke to him, he asked me “Are you intense?” I mumbled some half intelligent response, “sometimes, about somethings…”. But that question has come back to me time and again since that day. Am I intense? Can anyone answer this question honestly and completely?

I guess intensity is some sort of continuum. You are more intense than some people, less than others. Those flakier than you think you are very intense, those more intense than you think you are flaky. Like that silly line I read somewhere, if you are driving in the middle the one in the lane slower than you seems like a tortoise, the one in the faster lane seems like a maniac.

But leave aside the comparison with others. I ask you to ask yourself, what are those things you have felt intensely about in the last 6 months? In your whole life?

Don’t those things that answer that question form the essence of who you are? The experiences that have moulded you? Have taught you how to view the world? And more importantly, have taught you how to let the world view you?

And what about those experiences that you don’t feel intensely about? Do they not contribute in making you who you are? If life consists of neutral, not so neutral, not so intense & intense experiences, which are the most defining? Which spin that unique magic that is you?

A very simplistic analogy comes to my mind. Cinnamon cake. If you take the ingredients, it has flour, eggs, butter, sugar and cinnamon, in descending order of quantity. But it’s called cinnamon cake. Not flour cake. Why? Cinnamon maybe the smallest in quantity, but its flavour is so intense that it defines the cake. Our neutral experiences are the like flour, the cake of our personality needs the bulk of those blah experiences. We need what we have in common with others so we can belong to some community, like the sugar in the cinnamon cake makes it sweet so it can be clubbed with the family of cakes. But what defines us, makes us unique is what we feel intensely about, our own little stick of cinnamon.

So go ahead and feel all that. Guilt, sorrow, remorse, frustration, hope, joy, love, happiness. It will add that spice & scent which will make you you. I’ll take a piping hot cinnamon bun over pound cake any day.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Of love...

My good, and not to mention observant, friend, a certain big bad bro, pointed out… Your blog is titled ‘Of life, love & learning’. I can see the learning and maybe even the life, but where is the love? So here’s to you, O sharp one (and may I never get caught in those famous spikes of rage), a list of some of the things I love.

The sudden giggle of a toddler in a crowded plane, and the resulting smiles around. That collective realization, that wherever it is that you may have to run to, there should always be time to smell the flowers.

As I have said before, and quite elaborately, Friday afternoons… Those that come after chaotic weeks, boring weeks, lazy weeks, frustrating weeks. Any work weeks :)

A satisfying, wholesome conversation. With anyone, about anything. Fills your mind like a rich dark melting chocolate inundates your mouth. The conversation that opens your mind, challenges you, tickles you, surprises you, entertains you, fulfills you.

The 2 seconds of silence that come unexpectedly, when you are noisily chattering away with friends. A teacher in my school said, that this only happens when an angel passes through the room.

Sunshine. The warmth in a stranger’s smile. An unexpected phonecall or note from an out of touch friend. A clean house. A new book. Maggi. Cake. A home cooked meal. A great film. A new outfit. An afternoon nap.

Of late, daaru session with some trusted friends. The talks that follow that. The ease, and the kinship you feel with those around whom you can let down your guard. Actually the kinship with any friend you trust, daaru or not.

Plans. Of travel, of dinners, of friends coming over, of weddings. Of the future filled with friends and family and laughter and trust. Of a tomorrow full of hope. Even if I must marry my daughter to a brat friend’s unborn brat (sigh, I hope not).

Memories. Those sweet distortions of the past. Like the pictures which seem unadultaratedly happy, censoring out any irritations or frustrations of that time. Just frozen smiles. Yes we kid ourselves. But then what use is the stark truth when the lie is so appealing. My memories of the times gone by, decades (ok 2 decades at the most) ago or just weeks. They link me to my favourite people. They make those people my favourite people.

So, oh foe turned friend, does this answer your question?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Home is where the heart is...

Someone asked me recently, “Are you homesick?” I made all the right noises, “Yes ofcourse I miss India, but this place is very nice too”. But it set me thinking. Am I homesick? Am I even sure where home is anymore? Till a couple of years back, I was very clear. Home is Bombay. Not even Mumbai, I wasn’t going to let anyone change the name of my city. It's Bombay. Where I was born. Where my parents & my little sis live. Where my school is. Where most of my old friends are. Ofcourse my home is Bombay, no question. It was almost a loyalty issue, I wasn’t going to abandon what brought me up. Bombay, yes, that was always home.

Clarity is a funny thing I guess. It can abandon you sometimes. But all for the good; not for nothing it’s said – wise (wo)men change their minds, fools never.

So what has changed over the past year, and especially over the past month? Ofcourse the obvious changes. I lived in Gurgaon and eventually grew to like it. I took to Finland better and quicker. Having a place of my own, living the independent life, doing what I want when I want. But I think there is more than just the movement. It’s about having met people who have moved often and are better for it. They have the opportunity to develop perspectives; the world is their oyster, they are students of change and variety. I had only imagined their lives. In my mind, their lives were uncertain, their friends were temporary, their roots were not deep, and they were drifters, rolling stones gathering no moss. But now I see them with my own eyes. They as as successful (or not) as those who live in one place always. They have as many friends (or not), they are as happy with their lives (or not) as the ones who don’t move. They are people… as varied as any other group, with as much a chance to be happy as anyone else. But they have what I did not so far – their own eyes to look at a new sky, not the third hand view in a magazine. Their own ears to hear new accents, not those on a television. Their own minds to understand a new culture, not a precooked version from a culture studies book. I want it. At the cost of the growing pains.

This clarity might abandon me again. I might pine for the heat, the chillies, the crowds, the affection. I might want to eat mum cooked food and be 2 minutes away from a friend’s house who I have know all my life. I might want the luxury of someone else doing my dishes and ironing my shirts. I might want to dance all night at a friend’s wedding or celebrate my favourite festivals with my favourite people. I might want my old life back. But not just as yet :)…

Monday, October 1, 2007

To know what i dont know...

Disclaimer: This is going to be a little more winded and self indulgent.

Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to describe someone you know well in just one word or sentence? People we don't know, its so much easier to pronounce them 'idiot', 'shy', 'wannabe', 'cribber', 'suck up' or 'friendly', 'sweet', 'nice'... Ofcourse this doesn't mean that those we know little we understand more. Its more about understanding the complexities of people. Getting closer to the picture to see the details. Being 500 m above the ground and appreciating the variety of the terrain. The people you know well, their complexities strike you clearer. Your view of them is more than the one dimensional one you take for mere acquaintances. You know that the generally shy one is really a clown around friends. You know that the 'superbitch' is a caring friend and a protective sibling. Just like when we really get to know someone, who has been an acquaintance for a long time, we discover 'Oh! She is so much nicer than I thought'. There is always an Oh! involved.

But at the same time we can't get to know too many people too well. You cannot see all of the earth at once in a hot air balloon.

This applies to places as much as it does to people. My colleagues back home are much clearer about life and work in Finland than I am. 'Oh people work fewer hours', 'They are so reserved', 'They are too process driven'. I am now too close to this picture to pander to my mind's laziness by letting it believe or accept some generalistic statements. In the 'us' Vs 'them' game, my position is fuzzier than it was 2 months ago. I know a little more than I knew, so I know how little I know. My education is just beginning.

Yes generalizations are useful. It helps your brain organize the copious amounts of information into some semblance of order. Its like the periodic table we learnt to classify elements or the classifications of plant & animal families. There are broad patterns but enough exceptions. A true education will do more than just give you the information and help you understand the grids and frameworks. It will help you to see the contradictions and the complexities. It's not necessary to know all; only to remember that the information we have is like hyperlinks, there is always more to find out if you have the time to click.